Yes yes... it has been too long since i've updated this humble really inactive blog of mine. Long story of my life in short... Someone who robbed my house ransacked the whole place and stole along with other things, my diary!! Yes of all things my diary!! I'm just so annoyed and I feel so violated by that. Apart from that, as usual busy in University and just plain packed for the whole semester what with 4 responsibilities to juggle about. Studies, Student Council, Media Association and Curtin Football Club these aint no joke. How am I ever gonna find time to breathe?! Ah... well i'll manage somehow...
Well sitting here on a sleepless night (knew I shouldn't have drank coffee in the afternoon) the need to write something just came over me. That and the fact that I spent 2 hours on the phone with my mum, discussing the issues of life (deep? yeah.. well...). From national security, prime ministers, jokes, responsibilities in University, Asian mindset, and the list goes on... It just occurred to me, the reason why I always felt out of place. The reason probably why I'm still single??... Hmmm...
I just realised that I haven't really found a better half of me... Well other than my crazy enigma of a best friend, Daniella, nope I haven't found anyone that compliments me nor understands me. The truth? I always wanted to see if there is a guy out there that sees things the way I do, or even if not understands me and yet explains his view. What great conversations we would have. Call me old fashioned, but the teenage "OMG that's like soooo sweet that you love me and buy me stuff and am always with me" shizz just don't do it for me. What happened to "finding a person that never bores you and keeps you on your toes", finding the "opposite attract" guy? The dude you can just see sitting beside you through a lifetime, a person you can talk with and share your views and ideas with. Someone who just brings joy, excitement, calmness and probably annoyance too. Just all emotions good or bad but sticks with you even when the road gets rocky and when life just machine guns lemons your way.
I just have not found that guy yet. Besides, I tend to see things differently from others and most of the time no one agrees with me. I feel at times that I was born in the wrong era. Like in the movie the Iron Lady, I share Margaret Thatcher's thoughts really I do. Although I do not agree of the way she treated her husband, that was sad. However, point is, when I commit to something I fully commit and when I have a vision of something I aim high and try my best to reach it. I absolutely hate it when people commit to something but do things half heartily or even not do it at all. I have had responsibility on my shoulders all my life. I've always felt like I'm always responsible for something. There are days I wished to be carefree like my other friends, no drama no responsibilities to handle but that wish never came true. Heck, it seems that my list of responsibilities just grew a mile longer! The crazy thing though... I think, I like it?
If I were given the chance or the power to change something for the better. I give it my all. I'll fight for what is right. If someone is in need of help, oh goodness it kills me if I don't help them. Even if I can't help and the person says its ok they can handle the matter, i'll think about the matter for days and the little voice in my head keeps telling me "You should have helped. Found a way maybe to assist. You should have..." The daunting feeling sucks by the way. A friend once dear to me told me before we disowned each other, "You care about others and do things for others, you should for once care about yourself! That will one day ruin you if you keep putting others before yourself". Well first of all, I'm no Mother Teresa or Ghandi alright. I'm no where near them. It's just when someone asks me for help I can't help it but help them out somehow. The times when I don't because of personal reasons or whatever reasons (see I'm not Mother Teresa/Ghandi) I guilt trip myself so bad it just hurts.
I have so many ideas on how things should be and yet I understand why things are the way they are. I want to be a change and make a change in the community, in the country even! But I'm just too scared to stand up or voice out. Oh how I envy those who can speak up. The outgoing (flirty eyed, loud, beautiful) people. Who are so sure of themselves and so confident, one bat of an eyelash and people come running to them preaching their words.
So see how screwed up I am... Now tell me which guy in this "modern" age can handle all these messed up ideas or my messed up personality? All the guys I have met so far in my whole adolescent/young adult life are too carefree, immature (for my taste), boring, crazy, uncommitted they just put me off. Seeing the older times, not only in movies mind you, when the guys were just supportive, understanding and born in the generation that thinks "when something is broken, fix it not throw it away", it makes me think Is there even a slight chance I'll meet someone like that in this age? Chances are pretty slim in my opinion. All those guys only seem to exist in movies and that is probably because the point of reference are characters from the olden days of Hollywood, which surprise-surprise, are just the way most men were back then.
This is why I'm single. Might even be the reason why I'll probably be forever single. It doesn't make my mind feel any nicer when people ask me why I don't have a boyfriend though. It bothers me alright and it's kind of sad come to think of it. Most people my age are in relationships or MARRIED!
Me? well... I'll just take life one step at a time. I do have a little bit of hope haha.. Who knows, probably on one of those rickety steps there'll be someone there sent by Him just waiting for me, smiling and with an outreached hand to give support and encourage me, to be my companion and just to love me for who I am...
Ok... getting too emotional now, time to move on hahaha... Well I'll be damned, its 3am and I have a 9am class tomorrow. Definitely no more coffee past 6pm for me.
Signing out,
Coffee-high
